My Original Research Proposal
November 16th, 2009 by excimerFourth-year graduate students here have to submit a ten-page original research proposal and defend it to their committee. The following was rejected by my committee for some reason. I consider it now to be in the public domain.
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The separation of mixtures of compounds via exclusion methods such as chromatography or selective crystallization are the backbone of modern preparative chemistry. Nonetheless, simpler and more practical methods of separation are highly desirable, especially those that reduce the amount of waste byproduct generated in the purification process. While methods such as molecular sieving and distillation directly separate compounds in mixtures based on intrinsic molecular properties, separation based on the psychosexual properties of molecules have hiterto been unexploited. In this proposal, I describe a process for gay molecule resolution promoted by Lady Gaga.
It is well-established that gay molecules have an unusually high affinity for Lady Gaga[1]. Thus, a simple process for separating gay molecules from straight molecules can be envisaged (Figure 1). Simple attachment of a Lady Gaga CD, such as “The Fame” or “The Fame Monster” (in press, to be published Nov. 29, 2009) to the side of a flask containing a solution of both gay and straight molecules. As long as the Lady Gaga CD stays near the flask, the gay molecules will be strongly attracted to the side of the flask containing the CD, allowing for removal of the straight impurities by simple decanting of the solution. The gay molecules can then be dissolved in an appropriate solvent, such as Hpnotiq liqueur or Diet Coke.
Fig. 1. Cartoon depiction of the Lady Gaga gay resolution. Treatment of a solution with Lady Gaga leads to attraction of the gay molecules (right), while straight molecules such as the Nanoputian (left) run for their little hetero lives away from the strong gay forces.[2]
[1] http://www.perezhilton.com
[2] No, seriously. The gay is very strong with this one. Don’t believe me? Watch this:
that song is stuck in my head now…
what about the bisexual molecules? ARE THEY INVISIBLE?
It was probably rejected because he didn’t take into account the bisexual impurities.
Not invisible, but by definition amphiphilic. So will likely form the interface and can be grouped either way depending on which distillate is targeted for purification.
does this mean we can encapsulate teh ghey into micelles?
…can i get away with that for my ORP in a few years???
Not invisible, but by definition amphiphilic.
Don’t you mean amphiphallic?
no, amphiphiliac
Eximer, this is BRILLIANT!! I’m defending my own original research proposal this week, and I needed this breath of fresh air
Perhaps I’ll steal your idea and run it by my committee; perhaps they’ll be less homophobic and more homophilic.
Who’s on your committee?
Clearly they don’t understand how important this actually is.
haaa
Seems like something out of the Cremaster Cycle.
Do you think I can cite you for my research proposal? Or maybe I should use this topic as part of my lit seminar, since that’s coming up in a flash too…
You have clearly overlooked Woodward’s work in the 40s on separations of “bachelor uncle” molecules with Judy Garland 78s!
(please don’t ask for a literature reference)
It was rejected for lacking originality. Bucky-clutcher technology for grabbing big black balls is well known,
http://www.cyric.tohoku.ac.jp/english/report/repo1994/94c04.pdf
Go back and propose a reach-around synthesis for felcherane.
HAHAHA Pyschosexual.
To me this video is only lacking C3PO. In fact Gaga looks a bit like C3PO. Now if only I could use this method on the totally gay reaction I am doing at the moment.
I can’t imagine why this was rejected.
How do you tell if a molecule is gay? Stupid I can determine, but gay?
I assume you could separate bisexual molecules by sequential resolution – first separation of the molecules into hetero- and homosexual sets. If you can selectively extract out the heterosexual molecules, then separation followed by repeated extraction with Lady Gaga (would Ani DiFranco work for some?) should extract out the mostly bisexual set.
If there were an actual chemical way to separate the ghey, I’m pretty sure someone would be using it – probably for ill, or perhaps for cross-marketing (as Dogbert put it, “bayonetting the survivors”).
How do you tell if a molecule is gay?
See if it has a high-energy HOMO?
*rimshot*
or degenerate HOMOs
but wide band gap!
a strategically-placed ring can help to stretch the gap even further…
Maybe charge-transfer separation? If heteros have lower-energy HOMOs (and likely lower-energy LUMOs), then shouldn’t heterosexual and homosexual molecules do Diels-Alder/charge-transfer reactions, etc. facilely?
I guess photochem with Lady Gaga makes more sense.
we could make solar cells out of them! …is it still fair to call that a bulk heterojunction?
Our energy problems are solved.
…and all it would take is only a 5% gain
gay electrophiles do SN2 a lot (sorry)
it was only a matter of time
My freshmen students had to hear this from a particularly raunchy TA their first day in lab.
My proposal also got rejected, but it was nowhere as legit as this one
http://pubs.acs.org/doi/abs/10.1021/ol902312m
haha sorry about the proxy, here’s the real link
lol, I’d comment on this paper, but I’ll just tell you what my friend said: “Someone should synthesize some nanotrucknutz for the nanotrucks. i’m thinking two fullerenes attached to a phenylacetylene.”
I would fund that so hard.
I quote my labmate: “Oh, is this the nanocar? You know what, they can shove their nanocar up their nanoasses. Bullshit.”
There was more, I couldn’t type as fast.
see all these comments? this is exactly what i was talking about dealing with struggles in lifeas a GLBT grad student in chemistry.
for Christ’s sake i hope you seriously grow up.
whoa! wtf? we didn’t mean to offend anyone. (and FYI, two of the three of us share your struggles.)
for Christ’s sake i hope you don’t take most of what we say seriously.
we don’t mean to offend anyone. we mean to offend everyone.
Now that’s the good fight.
You are South Park
How do you test for “Tastes Like Homo”? Does Givaudan have a standard you can buy, or does someone at the dairy have an interesting job?
I am assuming that they meant “Tastes Like Home” but screwed up. I don’t know what home would taste like, though – I don’t milk my own cows (or have any) or skim my own milk, so there’s no “home” to compare to. I guess in some homes you could be referrring to breast milk, but if it tastes (or smells) anything like formula, that’s not a good thing.
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First of all, thanks for the awesome Lady Gaga video. Yes, it means I’m gay.
I too had issues with being gay as chemistry undergrad but recently learned that they were mostly of my own making by NOT being open and honest about it with the people who had a vested interest in seeing me succeed.
A dear friend from that time recently relayed that the faculty at my old chemistry department considered her and my years there as the “golden years” much to my surprise.
This past summer I decided that I wanted to return to grad school and pursue my PhD in chemistry. I’m older now – it’s been 12 years since my undergrad – but I’ve met with the faculty at my potential grad school and they all were very supportive of my return to school. The issue of sexuality never came up of course.
However, one of the faculty members and I have a close mutual friend who is also gay and the faculty is very accepting of my friend. I’m quite positive I identified one or maybe two other grad students who were gay or bisexual.
I will not hide my sexuality if and when I return but it will be relegated to the non-issue it really is. Like Excimer, I’ve learned the art of telling people to fuck off but in a nice way.
Now, I just have to put my best application and study skills to test and hope I get in.